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Pets Are Not People.

January 13, 2011

Some people actually marry their dogs.

I had a cat once. Then that cat got sick. My mother and I took our cat to the veterinarian and the vet said the cat probably had stomach cancer or some kind of kitty leukemia. Either way, the diagnosis was grim. Bottom line was the cat was going to die.

“It would cost about $400 dollars to do the blood work and run the tests but to be honest either way, Baxter doesn’t have much longer” said the vet. Then she looked at my mother and me, with pun-intended puppy dog eyes, and asked whether knowing the specific cause of our cat’s death was worth $400.

Turns out knowing the actual amount of cash needed to find out the exact way my cat would die put things in perspective. “So wait, you’re telling me that EITHER WAY THE CAT IS STILL GOING TO DIE? So supposing we spend $400, then the only thing you can really tell me is that he was killed by cancer or kitty AIDS?” I queried.

“Um, basically” said the vet. And this is when I made the gesture. Not “the gesture” though. I simply made the thumb’s down hand-motion a la Gladiator that signifies spending $400 to find out the exact reason my cat was going to die seemed dumb. The vet was visibly upset.

Suffice it to say that until this very day (and yes that rhymes), I am still unsure which specific disease was ultimately going to claim Baxter’s life. I do know that it is much cheaper to have a cat euthanized and then host the burial ceremony yourself by callously dumping a large box containing his remains into a Taco Bell dumpster than it is to pay for the “standard cremation and disposal package” offered by the veterinarian.

Pets are members of your family until you’re starving. When you’re starving, pets are just “recently beloved” sources of meat.

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