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Living in OH During Winter is Abominable

January 28, 2011

Winter in Ohio. A Man Freezes to Death. Notice the Fangs and Wings on the Abominable Snowman.

“… In other news, a local man froze to death late last night after apparently losing his car keys in a large snowdrift in a shopping mall’s unplowed parking lot. Tragically, the mall security guards mistook the corpse for a homeless man and savagely bludgeoned the body before local police could arrive on the scene. Amazingly, the whole incident was caught on film… We must warn you, the following video contains graphic images that may be disturbing for young viewers…”

I would have moved to a state with warmer winters a long time ago if most of my family didn’t still live in this frozen wasteland called Ohio. To me, living anywhere there is even a slight chance that I could possibly freeze to death if I was accidentally trapped outside is just plain dumb. However, I really love my family. So yet again, I find myself suffering through another frigid Ohio winter.

Sure. There are days when I’m not certain that I will actually make it back to my car alive after buying groceries because the wheels on the shopping cart weren’t designed for maneuvering through the fjords and icebergs that have suddenly enveloped the store’s parking lot.

I also realize that there are some people (close friends and family mostly) that say I may have spent an “inordinate amount of time” calculating how long I could heat my home by burning our furniture (78.57 hours assuming we live exclusively in the living room and adjacent bathroom). But overall, I must admit that living in Ohio isn’t that bad for the 9 months of the year that it isn’t an Arctic wonderland (7 months is probably a more accurate estimate).

For example, there are not many wild animals in Ohio that will kill me if I am out riding a bike such as in California. Likewise I am not overly worried about hurricanes, mudslides, wildfires, earthquakes or UFO’s like the residents of some other states. Aside from winter, Ohio really doesn’t have that many creatures or natural disasters that will kill me if I happened to be locked outside.

So go ahead, you smug residents of other states. Brag to us brave Ohioans all about your sunny beaches, your “dry heat” and your “mild winters” but remember this:

Provided I can remember to always have a spare set of keys with me for 3 months out of the year, I probably won’t freeze to death. But the odds are pretty good that sometime in the next twelve months you’ll be eaten by a bear or have your house destroyed by aliens or something like that…

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