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Senior Citizens Versus Drunk People

February 6, 2011

Winner By Technical Decapitation... Drunkle!

It seems patently unfair that Senior Citizens can get discounts on all sorts of things but there is no discount for being drunk. I think this should change. Therefore I call upon you, my four faithful fans, to rally together to eradicate this gross inequality.

Think about it. Should the number of years a person has been alive really entitle them to a discount? It seems pretty arbitrary to pick an age like 55 or 62 and then offer people that have attained that age cheaper tickets, meals and other assorted discounts. Why do old people get such special treatment?

For example, when I’m drunk I also have a hard time deciding what I want to order from the menu at Denny’s or Waffle House. The only difference is that my mind is addled from alcohol instead of early onset senility or Alzheimer’s Disease. So why do they get to save money on delicious breakfast foods (nothing is better than some greasy eggs, bacon and toast after a long night of drinking) but I must pay full price?

Additionally, both old people and drunk people often are incontinent but usually only old people get to skip ahead in line at public restrooms.  This is also unfair.  Shouldn’t the same courtesy be extended to the intoxicated? Both have probably waited much longer than they should have to find a restroom anyways, so why not let the “blue hairs” AND the drunk people go first?

I don’t even want to mention driving, mostly because drunk driving is not something a person should ever joke about but also because the senior citizen community has spies everywhere and I don’t want to suddenly find myself the victim of some insidious revenge plot carried out by secret agents of the AARP (seriously, I hear they are worse than the Mossad).

To anyone that works in the food service industry, or at a convenience store, gas station or any other venue where you are constantly interacting with both senior citizens and drunk people, I give the following advice:

Both old people and drunks will surely cause some type of disruption. We will lose our wallets or phones. A glass will be knocked over. We’ll ask for things that are not advertised on the menu. We may both complain that the salad is “too cold.” This is to be expected.

The difference is that drunk people will loudly apologize for their behavior. Senior citizens will not. Old people will continue with their odd behavior until they eventually wander off, blissfully ignorant of their socially unacceptable behavior. Drunk people will profusely apologize for their actions until they are forced to leave. That and drunk people usually leave bigger tips (instead of religious literature).

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One Comment
  1. It seems only some businesses are charging extra…. I just got back from taco bell and my tacos and nachos were loaded with tasty tomatoes. I think it’s just a ploy and that extra money is going towards nefarious reasons.

    Love the new look. It’s very touch friendly and works great on my iPad!

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