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An Open Letter to the Lady Outside Target

February 10, 2011

She seems normal and then things go badly.

Dear Madam,

I am not interested in your conspiracy theories. While fate or our common nicotine addiction may have brought us together, please realize that I still think you’re insane.

I understand that your son may “know a lot about computers” but I am remain unconvinced that there is even a remote possibility that our recent ice storms are in any way caused by the following nations or people groups: Russia, North Korea, China and/or Masai Warriors (using 27th Century alien technology).

While some others people (like hobos and lunatics) may commend you for your commitment to spreading “The Truth,” I firmly fall into the overwhelming majority of rational Americans that would suggest that the reason it has been “so cold and snowy lately” is that we are simply experiencing what the rest of the educated population calls “Winter.”

There are certain signals that a person may utilize to indicate his growing impatience with speaking with a delusional maniac. You ignored them all. For future reference, when a dedicated smoker is willing to extinguish a recently lit cigarette and run desperately for the automatic doors, please understand that in this case it really is “personal.” The aforementioned smoker thinks your grasp of reality has been completely shattered.

Furthermore, I would strongly suggest that you stop allowing your 36 year old son to live in your basement. Your mere description of him scares me. A person can only play so much World of Warcraft and watch so much Cinemax before that person starts heading down the “slippery slope to serial killer.”

Please understand that while I was trying to be polite and hold an intelligent conversation,  I have a limited tolerance for your irrational opinions concerning aliens, the Freemasons, weather machines and chicken mutilations. Although, if your son does ever happen to find a secret government website detailing the alleged connections between the Chupacabras” and the Skull & Bones please don’t hesitate to let me know.



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