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An Impossible Mission

February 13, 2011

Nothing is worse than running an obstacle course in the dark when you have to pee.

It happens. You’re sleeping peacefully in bed when suddenly you awake with an overwhelming urge to urinate. The next few moments are critical.

You could ignore the urge but this is risky. Typically if you ignore the primal need to urinate, you may go back to sleep but you’ll have endless dreams prominently featuring fire-hoses and waterfalls until you wake up six minutes later with an even more urgent need to urinate. This is a downward spiral that should be avoided.

The only rational response is to immediately roll out of bed and shuffle in zombie-like fashion to the toilet why carefully trying to avoid waking your significant other. This is a difficult task. However I love a good challenge. Therefore several times a week I bite the proverbial bullet and swing my legs to the floor and start ambling towards the adjoining bathroom.

Then things start going badly, mostly because I refuse to turn on a lamp since I think it adds to the challenge (plus I really don’t want to wake my fiancee because sometimes she’s grumpy at 3:47 in the morning.) You may think that the short distance from the bed to the bathroom wouldn’t be very difficult to navigate, but you’d be mistaken.

Somehow the mere 5 feet that separate my side of the bed from the toilet that are so easily traversed during the day have become a veritable jungle complete with punji sticks and landmines. This is usually when I start swearing. Here are some illustrative quotes:

SON OF A …!” I exclaim as I somehow manage to wrap my phone charger cord around my toes.

Why on earth would you leave your high-heeled shoes HERE of all freaking places?” I manage to inquire while toppling to the floor.

SERIOUSLY? Come on! We don’t even own a bear trap!

I eventually do make it to the toilet and urinate. This is a joyous occasion (I usually imagine crowds cheering like after a contestant made it through an American Gladiators obstacle course). In that moment all the bruised shins and stubbed toes are so trivial in comparison to the happiness I feel. Now I just need to remember to lift the toilet seat before I start peeing…

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