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I Would Sponsor a Child If I Could Name It

February 28, 2011

Imagine all the people (that could be named after household products)

Names are powerful. They can define us. They are so important that it is built into a man’s very DNA to want to pass down his name and legacy to as many offspring as he can. This is why I believe I would gladly sponsor a child in some poor third-world country for a “dollar a day” if I would get to rename them whatever I wanted.

Imagine the abiding, tangible connection I would immediately feel towards my newly sponsored child after his name had been legally changed to mine. Suddenly I would have a biological imperative to want to protect and nurture the snot-encrusted child. “There is NO WAY IN HELL I will ever let ‘Little Drunkle’ walk to school without shoes again!” I pledge to the television.

Surely this process would soon be corrupted by corporations for some type of demented marketing campaign. I envision the following scenario transpiring:

“Hey man. What’s up Coca-Cola Lite – 27?” says the child as he jogs to join up with his friend as they continue their walk to school along a dry, dusty road.

“Not much Walmart – 158792b. You know. Just chilling. Mr. Miller says I have to write 34 more donation letters before I can get my iPod back. Sometimes my hand cramps up so bad I just can’t write anymore freaking letters though.”

“I know man. It sucks.” replied Coca-Cole Lite – 27. “But at least we have clean drinking water now. That was a total plus. And seriously? Things could definitely be worse. You remember what happened to Phi Beta Kappa -Class of 2006 don’t you?”

“C’mon man. Don’t even mention that guy’s name around here.” Walmart – 158792b whispered as he cast a furtive glance over his shoulder. “Someone will hear you. You think I want to be adopted by Madonna or something?”

“Well, just keep your head down then. Do what they tell you. It’s really not that bad- that’s all I’m saying… Hey Look! It’s Trojan Man – Numero Uno. I don’t know what it is about that guy but he has some serious game with the ladies.”

“True that.” concurred Walmart – 158792b with a fist-bump. ” Hey, you want to go beat-up Preparation H and steal his lunch money again before class?”

“Yeah, that’s cool. I need to get some cash to buy more minutes for my cell phone anyways. Stupid Americans. When will they ever learn?”

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One Comment
  1. Anonymous permalink

    some companies will pay for advertising tatoos and car advertising
    why not start tatooing cows with mcdonalds afterall the barcode tatoo has already been popularized by hitman

    or more saleable a rfid chip on a card that accumulatesvalue every time a person enters a store max 5 visits per day

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