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Tomatoes Fund Terrorists

March 21, 2011

There Has to Be a Reason Tomatoes Are So Damn Expensive.

Certain things are true. The sky is blue. Grass is green. Tomatoes are supposed to be red (aside from some terrifying hybrid- mutations and the title of a terrible movie starring Kathy Bates and Jessica Tandy.) In fact, I hold this truth to be self-evident that tomatoes are supposed to be RED. Not pink. Not salmon. Not orange. Simply red. Somehow the “sandwich artist” at Subway was less than convinced.

“Never mind. I’ll pass on the tomatoes.” I said to the employee.

“I thought you said you wanted tomatoes though.” replied the high school girl behind the counter.

“Yeah, I did. But those aren’t really tomatoes. I mean, they ARE tomatoes, but tomatoes are supposed to be red and they shouldn’t be so slimy.”

“Oh, okay. Whatev.” The girl didn’t seem very interested in the conversation. I did not continue to belabor the point.

The media has reported that the dramatic price increase of tomatoes is due to simultaneous crop freezes in Mexico, Texas and Florida and the rising costs of transportation associated with the growing unrest in the Middle East. This sounds perfectly logical, but don’t believe the lie.

The real reason that restaurant owners across America are being forced to conspicuously post misspelled signs that read “Due to Crop Freese, We don’t give tomatos unless you asked!” is that since the early Eighties, the CIA has been secretly waging a covert war to stamp out the tomato trade because they think illicit profits are being used to fund terrorism.

Or at least this is what I choose to believe. I mean, why not? It seems to be as equally plausible. How am I really supposed to know if there actually was a crop freeze in Florida or an oil pipeline explosion in Nigeria? I get my world news from the same media outlets that spend 3 hours a day discussing Justin Bieber’s newest haircut.

This is why the next time my mom starts telling me about how a restaurant was going to charge her an extra $1.50 to have tomatoes on her BLT (“I mean it’s a bacon, lettuce and TOMATO sandwich! The tomatoes should be included…”) I’ll probably tell her it’s because of the CIA and their low-flying planes spraying Agent Orange on Florida farmland. I envision this would be similar to the time that I almost had my mother convinced that there is a special regiment of “midget soldiers” in the Swiss Guard that sole duty consists of driving around the Popemobile.

Now if you’ll pardon me, I need to go fill up my gas tank immediately. The local news just reported that gas is going to be over seven dollars a gallon tomorrow because Lindsay Lohan is going to marry Harry Potter or something like that…

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One Comment
  1. anonagain permalink

    actually by increasing the price of tomatoes, the admission to hospital emergency
    rooms for salmonella will decrease thus actually SAVING consumers in the long runs…………

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