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Never Remodel My Grocery Store Again!

May 2, 2011

Some images may need an explanation.

Some people may think I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I prefer to believe that I just have a long list of mental idiosyncrasies. For example, I insist that any recently filled ice-cube tray should always be placed on the left side of the freezer. Mostly this is because I’ve spilled almost-frozen water on my toes numerous times and don’t particularly like the feeling of frigid water-daggers stabbing my exposed toes. But also, it’s just the way I think things should be done.

Likewise, much to the consternation of my fiancee, I always lock our bedroom door before I take a nap or go to bed. So while I would think she would be thrilled with my constant attention to our security and safety, she seems to think that the slight inconvenience of having to pick the lock with a toothpick every time I’ve fall asleep without her in the bedroom is hardly worth the alleged benefit of having a locked bedroom door during a late-night zombie attack. (The key is vigilance. My mantra is “The day I let my guard down is the day my brain gets eaten.”)

I like things a certain way. To be exact, I like things MY way. This is why I am firmly opposed to my local grocery store ever remodeling. I don’t care if the grocery store, deep within a dark dungeon, is still using electric generators powered by tortured chipmunks prodded on by sadistic midgets with tasers or even if the store is selling pallets of expired Crystal Pepsi, as long as I never have to fervently run up and down the aisles looking for band-aids (or beer for that matter,) I will continue to buy groceries there until the day I die.

There are certain constants that I cling to as mental pillars of truth in this crazy journey we call life. One of these is that a zombie attack is imminent. Another is that I have a beautiful fiancee that loves me. The other one though, is that regardless of time or setting or socioeconomic climate, Velveeta should always be stocked next to the rest of the cheese-like products in Aisle 12 and replacement water filters for a Brita water pitcher should never be stocked in the otherwise destitute Plumbing Department of my local grocery store.

Well that, and I also believe that if I ever fail to lick my closet doorknob less than 3 times before I fall asleep, a demon will appear at my beside during the night and eat my soul- but I’ll leave examining that life tenet for a different day.

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One Comment
  1. anonagain permalink

    Now that the Surpreme Court has ruled that police may kick in the door if they HEAR sounds and suspect that evidence is being destroyed

    And if they can kick in doors if they DONT HEAR sound or response, a reasonable investment strategy is to invest in home repair outlets or companies that make locks and doors.

    Although it the open door policy catches on, sel short

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