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Living with Foreigners: Part 1- Porn is Free

July 16, 2016

In this post, I am starting a series entitled “Living with Foreigners” in which I try to describe the experience of- well, living with foreigners. In it, I’ll share the good, the bad and the ugly of living with nationals from another country. By no means, take my posts as characterizing foreigners of all countries. Your experience may vary- but I doubt it.

One of the great things about our country is that porn is free. Anyone with a rudimentary understanding of the internet has free, unfettered access to porn. I mention this merely as a baseline because there is nothing like receiving a bill for over $200 from the cable company and wondering why.

At first, you think there must be some mistake. No one could possibly have racked up over $200 in charges to watch porn. You would be mistaken. Apparently, the allure of porn is so great that many Americans would gladly spend about $20 a pop to get their rocks off. I, for one, have realized that great porn sites are readily available on the internet for free. My brother-in-law, however, hadn’t learned this lesson yet.

“Um, Fiker, our cable bill is over $200 dollars this month. Coincidentally, you have been living with us for about a month now. Care to comment?”

“I only watched the first 20 minutes. Surely they aren’t charging the whole amount for that are they?”

Actually yes, they did charge us for every movie that you ordered. The cable representative was most helpful and advised us that most of the charges occurred on Tuesdays and Thursdays which just happened to coincide with the days that my wife and I worked late.

And so continued the conversation. “Someone must have been ordering these movies. I know that your sister and I weren’t ordering them. Do you know anyone else with access to our cable box that could have been ordering them?”

There was a lengthy pause. “Okay, I did order them, but I only watched the first 20 minutes or so” as if this was a plausible excuse.I wasn’t mad that he had ordered porn on the cable box, I was more upset that he wasn’t at least recording them for me. This must have been some high quality porn.

“I can pay you back” he murmured. “I didn’t know.”

“Fiker you’ve only been in the United States for a month or so. You have no job and no money. How exactly are you going to pay us back?”

“I’ll buy you a Christmas tree. As soon as I get a job, I promise that I pay you back with the best Christmas tree that you’ve ever seen.”

My wife was not impressed. “Fiker we don’t need a Christmas tree. What we need is a person that doesn’t order $200 worth of porn.”

“I’m sorry” he said as tears began to well up in his eyes. At that response I couldn’t be mad. In fact, I felt that this was an indictment against me, a glaring mistake that I could rectify. “Fiker, you know that porn is free on the internet, don’t you?”

“It is?” he asked and in his eyes a glimmer of hope began to emerge.

“Sure. There are numerous sites that you can watch all the porn you want and you don’t have to pay a dime- or have us pay a dime that is.”

And so began a new era in our household. A sort of  “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy if you will. I stopped getting cable bills for hundreds of dollars and Fiker got a new laptop on which he could watch whatever he wanted. And for the record, we still haven’t got that Christmas tree.

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