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Goldilocks Drunk

October 21, 2016

In astronomy, there is a concept known as the “Goldilocks Zone” where a planet orbits just the right distance from its star so that liquid water can exist on its surface. The theory is that if we find these planets, they will have the greatest chance of supporting life as they won’t be too cold where all the water is frozen or too hot and all their water is boiled away as gas.

Likewise, I propose that there is a definitely a “Goldilocks Drunk” zone as well. However, this zone is much harder to measure accurately. The idea is that you are drunk enough that you feel pleasantly buzzed but not too drunk as to where you end up naked, pissing in the closet while muttering about pirates*.

The problem with this aforementioned zone is that it has almost infinite variables that make it extremely hard to gauge how to stay in the sweet spot of mild inebriation.

That being said, here are some of the more obvious elements that can conspire together to take what was a pleasant evening of mild intoxication into a downward spiral of complete drunkenness.

  1. Body Weight- While it usually holds true that people that weigh more can drink more before they get completely drunk, this is not always the case. I have seen 135 pound sorority girls out drink 250 pound men. I’ve also seen a 145 pound man out drink a 225 pound man.
  2. Gender – Similar to point 1, men can typically drink more then women without being as drunk.  And since that sounds kind of sexist, here is a semi-science like blurb stating the same thing.
  3. Food – It does make a difference if you’re drinking on a full or empty stomach. The New York Times even says so. The basic rundown is if you eat food rich in protein, fats and dense carbohydrates it takes longer for your body to absorb the alcohol.

In this writer’s experience there are also some more intangible elements that can also make that pleasant buzz turn into a black-out night.

  1. Environment – My level of drunkenness can vary greatly based on the atmosphere that I’m in. For example, if I’m chilling at home with friends I can drink a hell of a lot more than if I’m at a bar playing loud music.
  2. Music – Maybe this is a subset of number 1, but depending on the music and general vibe of a place, I tend to remain more in the Goldilocks Drunk zone if I’m listening to my music and not some “shake your ass” club music that practically begs that you get out and dance.
  3. Type of Alcohol – I know that many of the science-minded audience will posit that it doesn’t matter the type of alcohol a person consumes as typically a shot of liquor is the same as a beer or a glass of wine, but in my personal experience, I can drink beer all night long whereas once liquor is introduced, it’s sure to be a time-traveling experience of complete blackout proportions.

All this being said, I tend to find that the most reliable measure of my drunken state is when my teeth and face start going numb. When this happens, I can confidently state that I am in the Goldilocks Drunk zone. At this point, why I wouldn’t feel comfortable driving, I am the most social and most creative. If I keep drinking, however, things quickly go south. That is when I start trying to dance or piss in closets or generally become rather obnoxious.

Or attempt to post things to my blog like the below:

I I I’m sorry but , when in t the same evining you can youre aht heour t icema driver playing jou to the world and the mexican shat dance, it makes you wonder of therewas any ration thoughtn put into actuallly selling icemcraef”

That being said, I think it’s time for a drink. I can still feel my teeth….

*This is solely for illustrative purposes. I don’t typically talk about pirates. Clowns maybe though.


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