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Some Reasons I Will Never Buy a Motorcycle

December 16, 2016

I admit that there is something very alluring about buying a motorcycle. It’s hard to resist the rumbling growl of a motorcycle’s engine revving. Like a transgendered siren’s song, it beckons all that hear its melody to hurl themselves recklessly towards danger, freedom, and guaranteed future bad-assery.

It doesn’t help that television shows like Sons of Anarchy glorify the outlaw motorcycle lifestyle and no amount of death statistics or scare tactic videos will ever change most people’s perception that riding a motorcycle is the ultimate expression of American freedom. That desire to feel the wind in your hair and the pavement rushing by you just inches below gives a thrill that non-motorcycle riders will ever fully understand.

All that being said, here are some of the main reasons that I will never buy a motorcycle:

  1. I live in Ohio so I would only be able to ride it 7 months out of the year. Maybe less depending on the weather.
  2. Safety. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, motorcycle riders are about 35 times more likely than passenger car occupants to die in a motor vehicle traffic crash and 8 more times to be injured.
  3. I don’t want to dress like I’m acting in a bad remake of Tron. I would want to be safe as mentioned above, so I would need to buy a helmet and all the associated kevlar riding pants and matching padded motorcycle jacket. Which makes me think that you’re basically taking part of the thrill of riding out when you are cruising down the highway in 85 degree weather sweating your balls off in your futuristic costume.
  4. Other drivers scare me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had close calls with the other cars on the road. Even I was an expert rider, I still would be scared to death that someone playing Pokemon Go while driving down the freeway would plow into me.
  5. My wife probably wouldn’t want to ride bitch on a motorcycle if I bought one. It seems like the requisite way to really show off your bike is to have a woman with her arms holding you tight and her ass crack showing for all the world to see but I can’t really see my wife getting into that.
  6. I don’t want to use a vehicle that requires me to have to have great balance. At least with cars, they won’t will likely fall over and crush your leg if you forget to balance correctly.
  7. Likewise, I don’t know that I’m coordinated enough to use both my hands and my feet to operate machinery. I wasn’t great at driving a stick-shift car, so I am pretty confident that I would forget to brake with my hands or slam on the throttle accidentally.
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