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Some Reasons I Hate (Or Sometimes Secretly Admire) Millennials

November 16, 2017

So I begin by saying that I myself am right at the cusp of being a Millennial. And actually depending upon which source you reference, I might be a Millennial. What I can say definitively is that there are certain characteristics of this Millennial generation that I hate. So at the risk of jumping on my soapbox, here are some of the reasons that I hate (or secretly envy) Millennials.

  1. They seem so fucking cool. Whether it’s the newest local pizza place or the coolest style of shoes, they intuitively know what is the hippest, trendiest “thing” and live for the moments when they can showcase this knowledge to those around them by casually introducing whatever the newest thing is into conversation. “You mean you haven’t heard of eel skin wallets? They are way more durable than leather and feel so much smoother.”
  2. They understand credit card reward points and know how to use them. “You should really get the Bank of America Sapphire Preferred Platinum Freedom Unlimited Card” they say as they take the card out of their wallets to pay for their meal. “You get triple points if you use it at the race track or Target AND you can redeem your points for travel and free lap dances” they continue as they tap their metal credit card on the table for extra emphasis.
  3. Millennials have a strange compulsion to give everyone nicknames- often nicknames that have only the faintest trail of logic. “Frank” becomes “Hotdog” which then becomes “Weiner” which in turn is changed into “Weines” which evolves into simply “W” which is then finally shortened into “Dubs.”
  4. They live and breathe memes. Not a day goes by that they don’t try to introduce you to the hottest meme or internet video. Whether the meme has anything to do with the current conversation or you protest that you’re really not interested in seeing a cute kitten with a sock stuck on its head doesn’t matter. You will still be subjected to it anyways.
  5. They claim they want to be fiscally independent but are all still on their parents’ cell phone plans. If you question why this is the case, they will inevitably tell you that it’s “more of a trade” since they pay for the family’s Netflix account.
  6. Millennials as a rule are some of the most politically correct people that I meet- except when they’re making a joke to troll each other. Then all bets are off and some of the most sexist, racist and stereotypical comments can all be made as long as you say it ironically.
  7. They are comfortable with paying an outrageous amount of rent for apartments in the hippest neighborhoods. Sure, you pay an extra $250 for parking a month and your friends have to pay to park in a garage when they visit, but at least there are 12 different bars in walking distance.
  8. Conversely, when buying a house, Millennials love to refer to it as an investment property and spend months searching for a house “where the numbers work.” Sure the neighborhood might look like urban Detroit, but they are positive that the neighborhood is on the rise and that their return on investment is guaranteed.
  9. Millennials are surprising cavalier about their romantic relationships. Whether they are dating for a few weeks or a few years, the relationship can always be broken off with minimal fuss and someone new can be found through Tinder or some other dating app.
  10. And finally- and perhaps most annoying of all, Millennials are so damn optimistic. No matter what situation they are currently in, they earnestly believe that it will get better. They will get the promotion. They will achieve their dreams. They all believe that the world is their proverbial oyster. Ah, the uncrushable and enviable spirit of the young.
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